Everything you do needs to come from a grounded place. If you are disappointed or upset with her actions and you want to discourage it (punish) or set a clear boundary, then it all needs to come from the same place of groundedness
This doesn’t mean you can’t look or sound angry or annoyed. You can express these feelings, but your emotions should be 100% controlled.
Put your feelings to the side for a second and think about what result you want and what behaviour is needed to achieve that.
Firstly, who cares if she said she would call and didn’t. She is out with her friend and having fun. There seems to be a problem that is evident before this behaviour. If you were in control of this relationship, then she would be the one saying, “I’ll call you tonight.” I would be careful you are not in the chasing frame; even small things like waiting for her to call you can affect that. In this scenario, if she said, “sorry I’m with my friend right now in a taxi, I’ll call you later.” I would have just said, “Oh no problem, have a good night with your friend!” and not expect her call. You could even say, “I’m going to be busy later; we can chat tomorrow”, and flip the frame.
You must ask yourself why it affected you that she didn’t call. If you are actually having feelings of jealousy, that needs to be managed too. I can go through that in a separate post.
However, that being said, if this was a scenario that you wanted to set a boundary.
Example: You guys are out at a bar. She walks to the toilet; she gets stopped by a guy that’s flirting with her; she flirts back and lets him buy her a drink.
Option 1: Set boundaries!
You: “Hey, I saw you flirting with that guy.”
Her: “I was just talking to him; obviously nothing is going to happen. I’m here with you, babe!”
You: “But, you went and even got a drink with him.. “
Her: “I was just getting a free drink. Don’t worry, I like you, babe. That guy isn’t even hot.
You: “That’s fine. I’m not jealous; it’s just very disrespectful to be flirting with a guy, even for a drink when I’m right here. It’s just a behaviour that isn’t very attractive.
Option 2: You could use a variance of the above but be a little more vulnerable and open.
“I feel jealous when you go and speak with guys in front of me. I know I shouldn’t care, but it just feels weird when you are flirting with someone when I’m right here!”
She will likely be understanding and apologize. It will often reduce her defences as you are saying how YOU feel and aren’t attacking her for a behaviour.
Option 3: Encourage behaviour.
You: *Big smile* “Nice work!”
Her: “Huh?” *Confused*
You: “You did really well with that guy. What drink did he get you?”
Her: “Umm… A vodka OJ”
You: “Nice. Hey, if he comes again, let’s see if you can get two. Tell him you also want a rum and coke.”
You can ‘we’ frame this and encourage her to flirt with the guy for a drink.
Option 4 Frame her behaviour as desperate
You: “Nice try.”
You: “Next time you flirt, will tell a guy for a drink, you shouldn’t try so hard.”
Her: “I wasn’t trying / I wasn’t flirting / What do you mean?”
You: “You just seemed way too into him, a little too desperate. Need to pull it back a little.”
Option 5 Punish her
When she gets back, you ignore her a little.
Her: “What’s wrong?”
You hold it in, trying not to be reactive, but you also want to make her suffer. You don’t want to engage with her after she was just flirting with another guy.
Option 6: Act like nothing ever happened
You are truly not reactive.
You continue on the interaction and conversation like nothing ever happened.
What option do you choose? How do you handle this situation?
It’s a little more complicated than just this one interaction of course. That’s why keeping the frame in mind of your whole relationship is important.
You need to first make sure that you have value in her eyes, and you are not completely attached and constantly validating her, completely fearful of ever losing her.
In this scenario, I would like to continue to add to that frame.
If you chose options 1, 2, or 5 you are giving her power. You are letting her know that speaking to other guys gets your attention. It affects you; it makes you chase. In the short term, she will feel validated and apologize – It might turn into a full-blown drama-filled fight if there is other baggage in the relationship. But, typically, you will get an apology, and she will even reward your chasing and concern by telling you how amazing you are while giving you physical affection.
This starts a horrible loop. Next time she wants attention or that validating feeling of you emotionally concerned about losing her, she will do the same behaviour. Next time she feels annoyed or angry at you, she knows where her power lies; she will message and say she is going out with her friends, or *guys name* messaged her. You are essentially training this behaviour and giving power to it.
However, if you chose option 6 you might be thinking, won’t she just do it again? If I don’t set a boundary or react, won’t this just passively give her permission to disrespect me like that?
Oftentimes it is behaviours like this that are a test to bait you into chasing and giving validation. Once she realizes it doesn’t work, it often discourages her from doing so. You will notice this to be true as women try harder and take it further. They might get back to you and say, “that guy bought me a drink!”
You remain chill. “Oh that’s cool what did you get?”
She might push it further. “He’s kind of cute!”
You: “You’re right! “
I’ve had women in this situation completely crack. “Why aren’t you jealous! You don’t care if I talk with him!”
You: “If you want to talk to him, you can.”
It’s so funny to see them completely break character and just admit defeat in trying to spark me into chasing.
Therefore, if you create a dynamic in which you have value; offer her great emotional and sexual experiences, and show your ability to have other options. You are a little indifferent; you show you are willing to lose her, don’t over validate her all the time, and act emotionally unstable, jealous, or fearful at the idea of losing her. If you keep this dynamic, there often aren’t many significant boundaries you have to set.
Suppose you DO feel the need to set a boundary. Then look at the behaviour and think about how you can change it by framing it negatively, e.g., framing her as desperate.
Inset, I often use this. If a girl is flirting with a bunch of guys and ignoring me to speak to others, I will frame her this way.
You:” Omg, you’re like me! (so that she doesn’t get too offended) You are such an attention seeker! “
You: “You love the attention from all these guys. It’s so funny you have them all around your little finger. But as soon as you get them, you bounce to the next guy.”
Suppose it is a behaviour that isn’t that big of a deal in the relationship. You don’t have to be as subtle. If she is always late, you could say, “you have the worst time management!”
Once you create a dynamic where you have a huge amount of value, and she is chasing, you can use these principles in reverse. Sometimes I will act jealous to give validation and to control other behaviours.
“OMG, you are late because you were with some other guy, weren’t you! WTF is going on?!”
Her: “No, Markus. I promise I was just late! Here look at my phone!”
This can add to the emotional rollercoaster to the relationship and keep her rewarded and chasing. This is super-advanced, and I would focus on the first part of the article.
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Until next time